Cake anyone?

So I'm awake ...... and the sky is very grey/gray!! But as long as it doesn't rain - it'll be fine! However, BBC weather doesn't look promising :o(

Seeing as I'm awake thought I'd show you some pictures I took yesterday morning ... but a little explanation first!! Simon and I met in September 1999 in Yahoo chat. I had a brand new computer and it was my first night in a chat room! Simon lived on the Isle of Man and I was in Kent. We spoke for a week online and then he asked for my phone number and we talked constantly! My phone bill for that quarter was in excess of £200 and would have been more except that my BT calls were only 1p a minute after 6pm!! Then in the October he came over for a long weekend and at Christmas I went to Douglas - the Isle of Man was/is beautiful BUT there was next to no chance of me getting a teaching job there - I don't speak Manx and the government makes a point of giving jobs to Manx people first! So in April 2000, Simon moved over here and ...... here we are!!

Anyway, my friend Mandy had told me about the fab cakes her Mum makes and disliking fruit cake as I do ..... I felt a bit of chocolate or carrot cake would be appropriate!! I also thought I would surprise Simon with a special cake for the wedding ...... so, here it is!!

There are more photos here!

Update - Married! Partying hard ... a few photos for you too see, colour ones later!! Thankyou all for your good wishes!! Jo xx

Turds!

Passed to me by Katya - something I had to ruminate over!

The preceeding verses are ....

Turd in a punch bowl
Gleaming so invitingly
Turd in a punch bowl
No wonder all this shit is free

Turd in a punch bowl
Floating proud like a ship at sea
Turd in a punch bowl
I'll just have water, thank you very kindly.

Turd in a punchbowl

I didn't put it there

Turd in a punchbowl

I'd rather eat a hair

Turd in a punchbowl

Looks like a Baby Ruth

Turd in a punchbowl

Ain't drinkin' till there's proof!

Turd in a punch bowl

Happy as can be

Turd in a punch bowl

Why you all looking at me

And my ponderings .....

Turd in the punchbowl
Floating round at supper time
Turd in the punchbowl
Oh shit …… does this thing have to rhyme?

Turd in the punchbowl
Floating down the alley way
Turd in the punchbowl
Wave to it on it’s way.

Turd in the punchbowl
What to drink at the BBQ!
Turd in the punchbowl
Still there when you flushed the loo?

Turd in the punchbowl
Not too long ‘til the wedding day!
Turd in the punchbowl
You could all come if you weren’t so far away!!!

I am passing to ...... Rainhavoc, (because you didn't do the last one) and ms.mac (because you make me laugh - and in my experience, with 4 men in the house you must know plenty about floating poo!)

2 days to go

Last week a newsletter came through the door saying that Morrisons - no not the ones who sell groceries - on behalf of Transco would be putting in a new gas main on our road! So I rang the mobile phone number to say ...... will it affect me?

Mr Morrisons - Oh no, it will be further up the road!!

Well see that white house in the middle - that's my house!! And in case you didn't know, I'm getting married on Saturday ..... from that white house!

And how exactly am I supposed to get in and out the house? And how do I hitch my leg over the pipe?? In a wedding frock ..... and where exactly are we going to park cars when we come back to the house because the bloody reception is at the god-damn house!!

So readers, please join with we in passing on a great big "Thanks" to Transco and Morrisons!! You've really made my day!

A busy week!

It's been a busy week with little/no time to blog!! Wanted to work here at lunchtime yesterday but the Internet is down at school - cheers BT! But I feel I have to share this little gem with you this morning!!

My mother has just told me that on her last visit to Swansea and on the advice/for a neighbour in France she visited her local Boots to purchase some eye cream! [The same neighbour also uses haemorrhoid cream on her eyes - lets not go there Mum!!] She sauntered in to their Llansamlet store, up to the counter and [in her own words] put on her "posh" voice and said

Mother - Excuse-me, do you stock the Boots Bionics range? I'd like some eye cream!
Shop Assistant - Pardon? Madam I think you mean the Botanics range!

My mother has the world's first bionic eyelids..... she can stop speeding bullets, push over palm trees, vault walls and catch arch-criminals with her face!! [I remember Lindsay wagner doing it!]

update - no photos of crepe papered car yet!

Just another Manic Monday .... oh we oh!

Took me over an hour to get to work - accident on the M25/A2 ..... miles and miles of traffic!

Music assembly with hip, cool, lovable (by children and me) deputy head cancelled due to KS2 SATs!

Windy weather = devil children from hell!!

Headteacher has encouraged me to go on a week long trip with 22 little darlings in June. "If you don't want to go, she'll be in charge but I'd like you to go!" A week I always return to school from knackered and a week with no Internet access so NO BLOGGING. No chance to read any of you/yours, no way any chance to add to my own - holy cow!!

Children suddenly realised at 2.10 p.m. that the CACHE student that they have on a Monday and Friday is a fanciable, gorgeous 17 yr old!! And are now drooling / drawing her pictures, giving her cards and loving glances!

What about me guys?

I don't like hate f@*#ing detest Mondays like this one!

Phitar's photos

If you have 5 minutes spare and need a treat - go take a look at Phitar's photos - truly an inspiration! My favourite is Green Eyes!

Sunday ... a day of rest!

And verily the Lord sayeth unto Joanne his faithful servant and precious daughter

"No, you can't have a day of rest. Get of your arse and clean the bloody windows!!"

And she was content for she knew the words came from her heavenly father!

Knackered!! :o(

1 week

It is Saturday ..... it's 11.30am ..... it's Crackerjack! [Listening intently for everyone to shout Crackerjack!]

Oh I wish it were that simple ... if it's Saturday 7th at 11.30 it must be exactly 1 week to go to the wedding!! 1 week, that's 168 hours or 10080 minutes!! And I think I have task to complete for each of those minutes! And am I excited? Not yet! Maybe a little bit!

Jobs to do

1. Paint walls in living room - wild primrose
2. Hang new blinds - actually its the working out how to hang the new blinds that is the problem!Thanks Steve and 'Mone!
3. Finish grouting tiles in the kitchen.
4. Tidy!!!!!!!!
5. Finish putting in the flower bed border (try saying that quickly after 2 glasses of red!)
6. Plant things in pots in garden!
7. Cut the lawns (finally stopped chucking it down!)
8. Did I mention I need to tidy?
9. Cleaning company booked for Thursday - wahey!
10. Manicure, pedicure .... can't think of anything alse ending with cure other than "Maple cure!" - Bacon sarnie anyone?
11. Food shopping & preparation, chef arrives Thursday evening!
12. Eyebrows - threading needed [monobrow attack imminent - à la Bert from Sesame Street]
13. And ...... I'm sure that my mother will have another list for me when she arrives from France on Tuesday p.m.

Will cross things off as I do them - not looking promising right now!!

Good thoughts and best wishes needed

I have a younger brother, a wonderful sister-in-law and 4 amazing nephews - Shawn, Kieran, Caleb and Cain. Sharon is expecting a baby in July - #5, a beautiful baby boy! Things are not as straight forward on this pregnancy as they have been previously!

Baby#5 is experiencing difficulties - he's not producing the amniotic fluid he should be and his mum is going to start on a course of steroids soon to boost his lung capacity so he can be born early - safe and sound! If you have a minute spare this week - my nephew and sister-in-law would appreciate your best wishes! They have ALL of mine!

Eureka!

Me - No Ruth, its called Ikea!

Ruth - Aye (she's from Lanark and is like a feminine version of Billy Connolly but prettier) that's what I said Eureka!

A while ago it was I who with much glee introduced Ruth to the joys of Swedish shopping (in a trance "follow the arrows") - we both love the place! I try to go once a month - just to see the new weird things they have but also to buy little stacking boxes - plastic/cardboard/paper/tin "I love little stacking boxes - the voices in my head tell me to buy them!" (You might want to surf away from the psycho lady's site now!!)

Anyway, thought I'd let you know that last night I bought

10 metal - zinc I think - containers to hang on the balcony to put herbs in (and 5 more to go above the sink in my classroom to put paintbrushes/glue sticks in to dry!)
4 ice cube trays (arrows, + signs, little circles with holes in & stars)
Paper napkins - blue, green and yellow (for the wedding ..... I didn't mention I was getting married, didn't I? - I must be slipping!!)
A lantern for the table on the balcony (see above)
4 vanilla candles
A new light fitting for the living room
Bulbs - 12 (light fitting takes 5 ..... but have you seen the new broadband advert from BT, my tootsies don't need the pain!)
A bendy chopping board - so veggies wont fly across room as I transfer them from board to pan/wok/salad bowl
And Jayne came too and bought us a fantastic picture/canvas for the kitchen wall as a wedding present!

Was Simon impressed? Of course - he didn't have to go did he!!

Thursday's here. Reasons why I won't be voting voted!

Yeh you're all right!! I voted - so up yours Tone, one less vote for you in Medway UA!

If I could be ......

COOL - passed the stick by Katya, I choose 5 of the sentence beginnings below to write about i.e. finish the sentences!! [The kids in my class would remind me that I need capital letters and full stops for sentences .... and if I could use the words "arse" and "shite" in class I'd call them smart-arse gobshites!] I then come up with 5 new beginnings to add to the list and pass it on .... hopefully to someone (well I try to find 3 someones) who hasn't/haven't already had/seen/done it!! So here we go -

If I could be a scientist...
If I could be a farmer...
If I could be a musician... it would be for my own enjoyment. I would just love to play the piano and the flute. I admire people who can make music - it brings people together regardless of language barriers!
If I could be a doctor...
If I could be a painter...
If I could be a gardener...
If I could be a missionary...
If I could be a chef...
If I could be an architect...
If I could be a linguist...
If I could be a psychologist...
If I could be a librarian...
If I could be an athlete...
If I could be a lawyer...
If I could be an innkeeper...
If I could be a professor...
If I could be a writer...
If I could be a llama-rider...
If I could be a bonnie pirate... I'd swashbuckle my way around the Indian Ocean, [dressed appropriately for a "Rubenesque" pirate in floaty skirts, boots and cleavage flashing tops] stopping to sunbathe on tropical islands and trading spices and rum in Zanzibar! I'd try to stay away from tiger sharks around the mouth of the Zambezi but I'd call into ports to fritter away my gold on cocktails and hot loose men!
If I could be a service member...
If I could be a business owner... I'd own a campsite in the south of France near the Atlantic Ocean and sit and listen to the cicada's in the evening and wander around admiring the sunsets, cutting the grass, re-potting geraniums, serving pastis and cooking moules marinieres! Because I would of course have someone else to do the really shitty jobs - like cleaning the loos/showers, serving in the supermarket and cleaning the pool!
If I could be an actor...
If I could be a porn star...
If I could be a taxi driver...
If I could be a rich girl... I would use my money to eradicate suffering by children in Southern Africa (well I'd start there!) I am of course talking really rich - in this fantasy I am the only child of Bill Gates and Donald Trump is my god-father (in a non-Sicilian kind of way). Children in Southern Africa need the money, they need our help! BUMP! Sorry that was me climbing down off the soap box
If I could be a witch...
If I could be a racer...
If I could be an agent...
If I could be a video game designer...
If I could be a comic book artist...
If I coul be a hooker...
If I could be a priest...
If I could be a fighter pilot...
If I could be a homeless person...
If I could be an astronaut...
If I could be a child again...
If I could be invincible...
If I could be a superhero... I'd be "super tasty savoury morsel" Girl! I'd fly around the world dolling out delicious mouthfuls of food that would be so tasty people would stop fighting to moan with pleasure & discuss how good they were. My Thai chicken vol-au-vents would have halted the Gulf War and my asparagus and prosciutto bundles with a balsamic glaze would have made short work of Mogadishu! And of course all of the tasty savoury morsels would have been calorie free in fact weight reducing :o)
If I could be a man/woman for the day...

And my additions are -

If I could be on the cast of Charmed...
If I could be an inventor...
If I could be an ice-cream salesman/woman...
If I could be an animal trainer...
If I could be a wandering minstrel...

And I am passing it on to Havoc, AEWIAML & Kiwi Fruit in the hope they haven't already had it & don't mind getting it & if they don't want to do it they don't feel waves of Catholic guilt &/or hate me for ever!! Have fun ladies!!

p.s. If I could be a hooker... I'd be Fifi LaRouche - I'd be blonde, bosomy (yes, ok I know I'm already in character!) I'd be expensive and I'd be able to suck start a Harley ...... & no, my mother will not be reading this :o)