Jo is ..............

Go and visit the wonderful Swansea Girl and you'll find exactly where I nicked this from!! Comments arriving a little at a time!!

Jo is a one stroke painting instructor (Yep I'm autistic artistic as all hell!)
Jo is pregnant (not that would make Simon smile - actually it would be more of a grimace with terror!)
Jo is online (yes she is!)
Jo is for jordan (but without the mahoosive gazongas ...... mine are marginally less mahoosive!!)
Jo is fun (especially when she's had too much booze and too little sleep! Naturally there are people who would argue the toss about this!)
Jo is maaray so; Jo is een vakzaak gespec (You've got to love the Dutch!! That is Dutch right? It's not Welsh thats for sure!!)
Jo is a hit again by S Abudarham (Singing "The hills are alive with the sound of music ....aaaaaaaaaa!" Probably more like Johnny Weisemuller than Julie Andrews!)
Jo is throwing skip (-ping ropes at small children!)
Jo is gone (You didn't know?)
Jo is pregnant with her third child (I'm keeping them in the spare bedroom, in big bunk beds!)
Jo is the biggest diva in Hollywood? (Yeh the ? at the end of that staement needs to stay!)
Jo is mine (No, she's mine!)
Jo is cool (Circa 1996)
Jo is afraid of 'darkness inside houses' (Yes, sometimes she is!)
Jo is the better singer (Out of her and Simon - his version of "Somewhere" needs to be heard to be believed!)
Jo sings more than Hannah (Especially when we're drunk!)
Jo is asking for your help in designing her new t (-shirt ..... actually I'd like a skinny fit t-shirt with html brackets and the code for bold saying "I'm blogging this" on the front .... actually I'd like the size 12 body and perky boobs to go with it!!)
Jo is on the cover of steppin out magazine (Fame .... I want to live 'til Tuesday!)
Jo is a training place in which to forge yourself by training seriously with the Japanese sword (What can you say? There is no answer .... 'cept I quite like Sushi!)
Jo is a sailors dream come true (In ports around the world!!)
Jo is in close proximity (to a large chunk of toblerone at this very minute!)
Jo is wearing a black wig in roughly half of the pictures (and purple brothel creepers in the rest)
Jo is 22 she was born in Romford in Essex and is a proper Essex girl (Apologies, but I love this joke .....
EMT to Essex girl at the site of a car crash near Basildon - Don't worry darlin', we'll have you sorted. Now tell me, where are you bleedin' from?
Essex girl - Romford mate!
Chortle!!!)
Jo is not (going to get to the end of this as she has a very short attention span and Charmed starts soon!)
Jo is younger (than Simon - nah nah ne nah nah!!
Jo is to anime music (what red hot pokers are to balloon sculptors!)
Jo is very proud to have two books included on this list
Jo is at a point
Jo is a woman
Jo is her name (unless she's having a bollocking from her mother!! Then she's Jo-anne!)
Jo is the clinic manager at Bak/Sequoia hospital's outpatient clinic located at 525 Veterans Blvd
Jo is fairly rigid on the couch (is this a Dr Seuss rhyme? Jo is sitting in a slouch. Jo is eating from a dish. Jo is fishing with a squish!) Well he never made sense either :o)
Jo is a true survivor who is looking for a special home (Where people will allow her to live in peace and tranquility without the strappy white 80s bondage jacket!)
Jo is facing
Jo is super fabulous (of course dahlink!)
Jo is now putting her considerable energies into her newly released cd
Jo is at the forefront of new
Jo is married to the former Janée Lambert of Mobile (No, she's getting spliced a week Saturday and is still not excited BUT the first wedding present has arrived!)
Jo is the most spectacular example of a Japanese castle in existence
Jo is safe
Jo is the most remarkable "self "
Jo is a package of energy
Jo is now a part
Jo is hand crafted to your specified length (Standard length 5' 5 1/2" available on a special 3 for 2 price deal!!)
Jo is the incumbent lord of the manor of Great Ellingham Hall (Get me how posh is that!!)
Jo is falling into a similar scenario with her next lover
Jo is an outspoken tomboy with a passion for writing
Jo is anyone's dream come true
Jo is their friend
Jo is a very experienced primary school teacher who has been teaching for almost 30 years
Jo is thinking about her eggs (poached today I think! What do you mean? Oh, THOSE eggs!)
Jo is fun (to watch in the snow!)
Jo is freepasword shemale cigarette (Could they not even spell password corectly coorectly correctly?)
Jo is beautiful (Blushing - No, she's not especially this morning!)
Jo is moving on (up, moving on out, moving on up, nothing can stop me!)
Jo is going home
Jo is the cutest actress all time
Jo is the only American who could do it (Surely they meant Welsh woman!! Mind you we all know that .... no I'm going to stop there before I really get myself in big trouble!)
Jo is a masterpiece of detail and intelligence (and a minorpiece of untidiness - only dull women have tidy homes!)
Jo is a professional storyteller
Jo is a sailor's dream come true (If he likes bosomy blondes!)
Jo is the sort of performance group thrown up and supported by culture budgets in western Europe
Jo is presented first as a teacher
Jo is one of a team of four to represent great britain at the world snow sculpture championships
Jo is pleased to be included at America writes for kids
Jo is a musician with the whitehorse symphony orchestra
Jo is at a slightly forward angle and is steadied with your right hand (I've been drinking again haven't I?)
Jo is in close proximity
Jo is originally taken from the bo (And from Luke and Daisy too!)
Jo is published in (Zulu and Pula and E.I.E.I.O. - Enviromental Newspaper at Uni)
Jo is aiming to cross English channel (on a luxury yacht! One day!)
Jo is an original and her music is fully heartfelt
Jo is not a logician
Jo is currently on hiatus
Jo is said to be the oldest style for using a stick
Jo is at a point
Jo is her name (48 is her number. I just like the number. I'm not 48 yet - got quite a way to go actually!)
Jo is more of a tres chic beer house
Jo is art (with a silent initial t?)
Jo is thick (and therefore should be working at that hospital in Taunton!)
Jo is the parent of Eric (Is he one of the kids in the bunks in the spare room? Like I would call a kid Eric ..... can you imagine what he'll go thorugh in school!)
Jo is a research psychologist

To googlism your own name click here.

Too close to Taunton by far!!

I don't know if you saw the UK news last week ... particularly those of you who live overseas but there there was a bit of a problem in Taunton!! I think I might emigrate but I just don't know where!! I might try a google search - "countries of the world that don't have big hairy poisonous spiders!"

p.s. I've just re-read the article and one particular sentence scares the holy shite out of me - "The spider was released into the grounds as it was believed to be a domestic species" a hospital spokesman reported - are the staff stupid? Since when do we have 5" domestic spiders in the UK? Note to self - don't go to Musgrove Park Hospital ...... the staff there are thick!!

p.p.s. And what was Matthew Stevens doing working as a chef anyway - doesn't he make enough money playing snooker?

p.p.s.s. On a techie note - can anyone tell me the html to strike through letters please? Thanks Fi!!

Thursday's coming. Reasons why I won't be voting ....... !

1. No-one has called at my door to say "Vote for us because ......"
2. Will my vote really count?
3. Even if we vote someone in they'll do what the bloody hell they want - not naming any names Tone - not what I want, so what's the point anyway!
4. There'll be a new education minister ..... and I can't be doing with this changing of the system again - I've only just this way right!!
5. Once when I was living at home with my parents, my next door but one neighbour who was then Mayor of the village (and a labour councillor) checked the list to see if I had voted and berated me over the garden wall because I hadn't (I was a student at that point and was probably at the pub!) And this pissed me off no end, this "little" man being able to access this information about me!!

Ok so this 5 was a bit of rant!! But you know me! Me not voting will piss my mother off royally!! Who knows, I might actually vote after all!

Reasons why I loved my hen night!

I am home and tired and I have no voice! But I had a fab time and yes there were flashing badges and L plates and they sang in the restaurant and Diane and Ruth tap danced at London Bridge and we got the milk train and I have fantastic friends and family and we sat in (but didn't pay for) first class and a lovely lady from Connex South East said "no problem!" And when I am more alive later I will make this into a proper list and post photos but for now - sausage sandwich and back to bed! :o)

Ok it's 17.07 and I am awake ... Simon has just offered me a brandy and coke (well it's aperitif time!) and I've declined - my liver needs all the help it can get!! Might need an early night ... I am turning into such a lightweight in my old age!!

Anyway back to the post!!

1. Suzanne organised EVERYTHING brilliantly! We went to Vinopolis (nr London Bridge for a wine tasting afternoon ... hic!) Then we moved on to Leicester Square and finally Soho/China Town to eat! We sat in first class on the train (at 11.59 am yesterday) - breaking the law before we'd had a drink and then didn't stop having fun until I wobbled through the door at 2.20am this morning! Thanks tart!!

Oh might need a nap now!

2. People came from all over the place. Bethan (my oldest friend there ...... well, not the oldest person but we've been friends since 1980 when we started comprehensive school in South Wales) came fro the other side of London but Diane came down from Staffordshire - 205 miles (328 km to anyone needing translation!) - Thanks Diane!!

3. Other people just want to talk to you because you're on a hen night - which makes it all the more interesting! In Leicester Square we got hijacked by a stag night doing a "Monopoly board pub crawl" [I always thought the Mumbles mile was good!!] and the guys weren't gobby or pissed and in your face just chatty and nice because we were doing the same things!

4. Food was lovely - they wouldn't let me pay - which I was happy too - but thanks anyway, I really enjoyed!!

5. The journey home was all part of the experience - 3 Irish women, a Scot, an English woman and me (Welsh ..... did you not know?) waved Chris off on the train (surrounded by like minded Chelsea supporters) and then met more Celts and sang - all the way back to Kent. We went from Chris de Burgh (Patricia the Stripper) to traditional (Danny Boy & the Bonny, Bonny Banks of Loch Lomond) to the Beatles, Queen and all your old favourite Kareoke numbers! We were joined by Nick (from Stirling - lovely voice, got off at Woolich Arsenal I think) a couple from Clydebank (do you see a Scottish pattern emerging) and am Irish guy who helped out with the Irish Rover. They danced and clapped on the platform as we went through one station and I still have no voice!!!

So thankyou, all (Suzanne, Ruth, Helen, Cat, Laura, Jo, 'Mone, Diane x2, Bethan, Kelly, Leah, Sue, Mandy, Chris, Tracy & Brid) of you!! It was a night to remember :o)

Dinner last night - inspired by a visit to the Pier before the M&S food hall.

Ok, I should never again go to the Pier (I love the Pier) before the food hall ..... but you see it's on the migratory route back to the car and I know Bluewater so well my feet just flow along the path!

Anyway the Pier is full of fabulous things at the moment - pink whicker fairy lights to string under a garden umbrella, aluminium elephants to hold the kitchen door open, Chinese silk bedspready things to die for. So all these jewel colours and beautiful textures are just wow! And I'm still searching for chunky beautiful colour and texture when I get to M&S. Which is how Simon and I ended up with Parma, pineapple and melon Caesar salad with garlic pommes parmentier. It was best described as interesting - he's a bright man, he just shut up and ate!!

Yeh go on take the piss why don't you!

Ok - Hen Night minus 15 hours and counting!! [Photos coming soon!]

p.s. Ha ha my friend - trust me "revenge is sweet and a dish best served cold!" I have a long, long, long memory!! And I will get you ..... somehow, especially if you mention food colouring and strippers in the same breath again!!! :0)

Arachna ...... bloody hell its a spider!

A bit of background first, I spend my whole life on the lookout for spiders. They terrify me. They move too quickly. They bite! I think it's a genetic thing - my mother is terrified of them and so is my brother (but he still used to scare me as as kid - see #76 & #77!) I can't even watch the film Arachnaphobia, just the clips I saw were enough! One of the kids who was in last years' class has a tarantula and he brought the skin in after it shed ....... oh god!! That was horrendous! [Am I babbling? Have I spelt babbling correctly?]

Over the years, I've visited Southern Africa through college and work a number of times and there I watch out for them constantly! As you travel around the country, the spider's webs are so big you can see them in the trees as you drive past. The first time I went there an ex taught me how to use a zippo and hair-spray (pump action of course .... you have to consider the ozone layer) to kill them!! In the Kalahari desert they have huge (dinner plate sized) white spiders - I'd have dropped dead if I had seen one of them!!

This morning it was spiders, spiders everywhere - BIG spiders, ok it was only photos (ms mac's meanderings and kiwi fruit - put me off Oz/NZ for life!) but I dont even like pictures/film of spiders! And then I went into the bathroom and there it was!

Me - (loudly) Simon, there's a spider! In the bathroom!

Simon - no it's just cotton!

Me - (creeping closer, well now that I think it was more of a leaning of my body) no, it's a spider. A big spider!

So he comes upstairs and enters the bathroom.

Simon - god, you're right. That's big! I have no idea where that came from!

Me - me neither, can you get rid of it?

So he grabs some loo roll, picks it up and flushes it. I can hear ms.mac's disgust from here - but he didn't kill it. It was already dead - it's just I can't even touch dead spiders! Yeh I know, I'm a chicken!!

Schmaltzy emails

You know the kind I mean ....... send this to 5 people who mean a lot to you / send this to 10 empowered women / send this to the 3 people you care most about - bleugh!! If these people are that important to you tell them in your own emails, phone them, speak to them, write about them on your blog (sorry Mark - online diary)!!!

Usually these emails make me think "Schmaltz!" But I quite liked this one ..........

A smile from you can bring happiness to anyone, even if they don't like you.
Every night, SOMEONE thinks about you before they go to sleep.
You mean the world to someone.
You are unique and special.
When you think the world has turned its back on you, take a look.
Always remember the compliments you received; forget about the rude remarks.

So .... if you are a good friend, send this to eveyone, including the person that sent it to you. If you get it back then you know that the things on this list are true.

When life hands you lemons, ask for tequila and salt!

My favourite disco tracks ever!

Disco is a little of an obsession for me - born in the summer or 1969 (Yes - I love that song to!) I feel I missed out on all the tackiest bits of the 70s but still heard lots of really great music. In fact it almost cost me my current job!

Headteacher [during interview] - And what are your weaknesses?

Me - Tall dark men, 70s disco, red wine and chocolate.

Headteacher - I meant what do you consider to be your teaching weaknesses!

When Simon and I moved in together he broought with him a collection of 70s vinyl ..... I don't know which I was happier to see. I sadly fear this will become a top 100 in it's own right, however for now a top 20 [in no particular order, yet] ......

1. Ladies' Night - Kool & the Gang
2. Dance to the Music - Sly & the family Stone
3. That's the way (I like it) - KC & the Sunshine Band
4. Jive Talkin' - The Bee Gees
5. D.I.S.C.O. - Ottawan
6. Boogie Wonderland - Earth, Wind & Fire
7. Tragedy - The Bee Gees
8. Can you feel it - The Jacksons
9. Celebration - Kool & the Gang
10. Le Freak - Chic
11. Play that funky Music - Wild Cherry
12. Cuba - Gibson Brothers
13. Rasputin - Boney M
14. A.B.C. - Jackson 5
15. Got to get you into my life - Earth Wind & Fire
16. Ain't No Stoppin Us Now - Mc Fadden & Whitehead
17. Waterloo - Abba, oh god and
18. Dancing Queen - Abba
19. Y.M.C.A. - Village People
20. Carwash - Rose Royce
21. September - Earth Wind & Fire
22. Born to be alive - Patrick Hernandez
23. Lady Marmalade - Patti LaBelle

Ok, so there are 23 already - I did warn you!!

p.s. If you have forgotten what any of these sound like - how could you? No, sorry, hang on - what I meant to say was - there's a handy little site here full of clips - just don't listen to September [Earth Wind & Fire] because to almost quote The Bee Gees - a travesty!

p.p.s There's also, Disco Inferno - The Trammps (as pointed out by ms. mac - thanks! How did I forget that one?) Yes sir I can boogie - Baccara (cheese all the way!) & whilst we're at it, you can't keep me off the dance floor if Sweet Home Alabama - Lynyrd Skynyrd or My Sharona - The Knack come on (I know not really disco but this is my blog so I don't care!!)

A dedicated follower of fashion!

I have a tattoo - only small, on my right (as you are looking at my back) shoulder. I had it done whilst I was in college. Two days later, I showed my mother .... a need to get it over with more than anything else, she tried to scratch - yes scratch, with big finger nails - it off and then cried "I looked after you inside my body for 9 months, I ate all the right things, I spent a long time in hospital. I looked after you and now you do this to yourself!" - it was all too much, like a bad country & western song!

As you can imagine, after that little incident I was a little worried about too many piercings - my brother had his tongue and a nipple done and set the metal detectors off on the way into Belfast airport - not good for a serving soldier and she "huffed and puffed" about that too! I had always wanted to have my belly button done when flat enough and then, a friend sent me these tonight! I am maybe changing my mind!!

NO MORE piercings for me!!

I y'am ablond ......

...... and believe it, it's worth it when he says "cor blimey!" as you walk through the door! :o)

A weekend without blogging ......

....... is like strawberries without the black pepper! Well ok - you eat them with cream, I love them with freshly ground black pepper or a "chiffonade of basil" and a splash of balsamic vinegar! [Hey I have to work hard at the Marilyn Monroe hips!]

It's been a difficult weekend - I had so much school work [chunking data] to do that I seem to have missed out on living! My 2 trips out were no more exciting than Tesco and B&Q (the joys/perils of a British weekend - food and DIY!) and then it was straight back to the PC! Somehow I have to improve this work/fun balance - if only to have something to blog about!! Watch this space!