Gentlemen, please take note ...

The Hormone Hostage aka my husband knows that there are days in the month when all a man has to do is open his mouth and he takes his very life into his own hands!

This is a handy guide to correct speech on those aforementioned days, that should be as common as a driver's license in the wallet of every husband, boyfriend, or significant other!!

DANGEROUS :: What's for dinner?
SAFER :: Can I help you with dinner?
SAFEST :: Where would you like to go for dinner?
ULTRASAFE :: Here, have some chocolate.

DANGEROUS : Are you wearing that?
SAFER : Gee, you look good in brown.
SAFEST : WOW! Look at you!
ULTRASAFE : Here, have some chocolate.

DANGEROUS : What are you so worked up about?
SAFER : What did I do wrong?
SAFEST : Here's fifty pounds, go and get some new shoes.
ULTRASAFE : Here, have some chocolate.

DANGEROUS : Should you be eating that?
SAFER : You know, there are a lot of apples left.
SAFEST : Can I get you a glass of wine with that?
ULTRASAFE : Here, have some chocolate.

DANGEROUS : What did you do all day?
SAFER : I hope you didn't over-do it today.
SAFEST : I've always loved you in that robe!
ULTRASAFE : Here, have some more chocolate.

It is suggested that all the co-inhabitant at Chez le Laquet should, press print now!

Have your cake and eat it!

In response to Fizzy's scone* recipe, I present my Nana's recipe for boiled cake .... easy-peasy and delicious! My word guys, I think I'm becoming a food blog!

You will need ::

1 cup** of dried fruit (raisins / sultanas ... your favourites)
1 cup of sugar (I suppose it should be caster but we only ever have granulated)
1 cup of milk
4 oz of margarine

Put all the above ingredients into a saucepan and bring to a boil.
Leave to cool for 20 minutes.

Mix in ::

1 beaten egg
2 cups of self raising flour
pinch of salt

When well mixed, pour into a lined 8" cake tin.
Bake on the middle shelf of a pre-heated oven ~ gas mark 5 for 1 hour.

Sometimes I swop the cup of dried fruit for a cup of coconut and then add a cup of glac cherries ~ also delicious. With Simon (I'll cut the HUGE slices of cake for you dear!) around I also sometimes make this in muffin tins ~ so you get mini fruit cakes. I don't know why I do this because he then eats 3!

*Fi ~ southerners in England say scone to rhyme with phone or loan, where as northerners would say scone to rhyme with gone and Ron; I say scone like a southerner! I don't know why?!? I say bath like a southerner too ~ much to the disgust of my sister-in-law!
** I have some snazzy stainless steel cups like Nigella's but I usually just grab a tea-cup!

Unconscious mutterings #158

I say ... and you think ... ?

Unorthodox :: willing to break the rules.
Skate :: Bloody Bonnie Langford in Dancing on Ice .... she's as bloody annoying now as she was when she screamed and screamed as Violet-Elizabeth Bott in Just William.
Hold on :: to your hats
Europe :: here, or the mainland ... about 60 miles away. On a clear day you can see it from Dover.
Reminder :: what would I do without my diary?
Gold :: Shirley Bassey singing "Goldfinger" ~ fabulous, atmospheric and the 3rd but always the best James Bond!
Calcium :: carbonate aka blackboard chalk ... thank goodness for whiteboards it was always very embarassing as a teacher to admit that I'm allergic to chalk!
Rated R :: ?? Is this American? Does it equate to British film classification?
Saturday night :: last night, bottle of wine and a pizza and asleep by 9.30 ~ my god we know how to live!
Tell :: tell tales, tittle-tattle, carry clecks. What do you call "telling on someone?"

Torino 2006

Like the sad TV & food addicts we are Simon and I slumped in front of the telly last night to watch Masterchef, only to find it was already over and were treated instead to the opening ceremony of the winter Olympics; my first thought was oh god, but I have to say instead ~ thanks Turin I thought it was fabulous.

Unfortunately I can't find any of the photos I want to show you right now where hundreds of people danced around in the middle of the stadium in brightly coloured ponchos ... from above they looked like a huge ski-jumper: but there are a selection of brightly coloured offerings on the BBC Sport page. I must admit I almost cried over the huge cheers for the Kenyan and Ethiopian teams ~ excellent!

And then as always there's the lovely Google, who to commemorate the occaision have a brand new logo.

Righty-o, I'm off to watch the skiing!

An ode to Homity Pie!

Fizzy's been making scones and it got me all fired up to spend some time in the kitchen. So getting in on the act, last night I made Homity Pie ~ it was lovely and here I present the recipe for your perusal!!

To serve 6, you will need

• 1/2 kg of potatoes
• 1 large onion, diced
• 2 vegetable stock cubes
• 2 tbsps vegetable oil
• 1 clove garlic, crushed
• 1 large pack frozen pastry (warm hands, I make fab bread but I ALWAYS buy frozen pastry!)
• 3 large handfuls of grated strong Cheddar cheese
• 50g fresh Parmesan, grated
• Freshly chopped parsley
• salt and pepper to taste

So, you need to ::

1. Preheat the oven to 190 or so.
2. Peel and cube the potatoes and place in salted water, bring to the boil and cook until al denté**, drain and cover.
3. Place the onion, crumbled stock cubes, vegetable oil and garlic in a microwavable bowl, cover with clingfilm and cook on high until the onions are soft.
4. Line a oven proof dish with pastry, and bake blind until "light and golden brown!" Leave to cool.
5. Mash the potatoes*** and add the onion mixture, grated cheese and the parsley; mix well together and pile into the cooled pasty case.
6. Sprinkle on the parmesan cheese and bake in the oven until the top is golden brown. Delicious served hot or cold or even just warm with a crisp salad in the summer or hot with baked beans in the winter!

I don't have a Homity pie picture (the camera is acting up), you don't need one do you? Just think hot cheese, potato, garlic *begins to dribble* ~ it's delicious!

*I'm afraid that I say scone to rhyme with phone and loan; not gone and Ron ... but then that just goes to show the north~south divide really well doesn't it? My sis-in-law says I'm a snob, because she doesn't ... tant pis!
** Just a little bit needed.
*** Retain some of the texture you don't want a smooth mashed potato.

No more get-ups for a whole week!

It's the last day of school ~ yahoo! Sorry Fizzy (who has to wait another week for half term to arrive!) but you'll be able to gloat in a weeks time & I actually think you're too busy boinging to really care anyway! I wanted to find a picture that explains how I feel about this and as always ... when in need go for a savage chicken!

An A to Z of right here and now!

A is for :: Anxiety; Simon has started a new job ... January 4th in fact was his first day! But how do I keep him in work?
B is for :: Bath; I can't have one this morning because between today and yesterday the plug has gone!?! WTF? How? Where? Do you have it?
C is for :: Cold; brr ... snow or rain tonight? Not sure! Rain it is people! Bouncing off my car roof as I type. Typically welsh weather in fact ... it's just that I'm in England!
D is for :: Dad's birthday; in less than *counts madly* 2 weeks, 2 weeks yesterday in fact ... he'll be 70 ~ and he'll be in Spain sunning himself so I wont get to enjoy the party! And what can I get him as a present?
E is for :: English; having dreadful problems speaking it correctly this week ... combination of tiredness and PMT have rendered the connection between my tongue and my brain defunct.
F is for :: Fish pie; it's 6.23 am and I am so craving some real fish pie.
G is for :: Google; how would I manage without it?
H is for :: Home; list of jobs to do at home next week includes tidying my tip of an office. You'd be ashamed of me!
I is for :: Ice-cream; how bad would life be without the odd bowl of Ben & Jerry's? Or frozen yoghurt for that matter? It keeps my faith in human nature going!
J is for :: Jo; enjoying the fact that next week is a week off!
K is for :: Kev; having dinner tonight with him and Suzanne in Wimbledon!
L is for :: Lisa; who I want desperately to phone for a chat but the whole logistical nightmare of working out what time it is in NZ and if she'll be awake or if I'm interrupting mealtimes /getting ready for work time is terryifying me! Hi Lisa! Don't panic ... I rang on Monday night! We had a lovely long chat which started with her saying "did you mean to ring me?" Me ~ of course!
M is for :: Mum; panicking about her holiday ... what clothes will I wear it'll be warm in the day and cold in the evening. *snarls* You better take a good selcetion on your holiday then! Followed by immeadiate pangs of guilt ~ see E is for :: English above.
N is for :: New Zealand; I have this wondeful screen saver at the moment that has inspired me to start a new savings account for a holiday! Direct Debit set-up and ready to go ... I am going to book a holiday! I am!
O is for :: old; question from one of our littlies yesterday to one of the male teacher's in school "Mr C, are you Mr D's dad?" Mr C is 2 years older than Mr D and nearly hit the floor in shock!
P is for :: Pickle; another kick-off in class last Thursday, he tried to destroy some art-work completed by other children so that he could get past me and out of the classroom door! And then he wrecked the deputy head's office! Then he gave me a black-eye! And he's 5! Come-on guys, what would you be thinking if he was yours?
Q is for :: Question of the day ~ some of them make me hoot with laughter. Some of them I can't answer because "American" really is a different language from English! Keep it up Indigo!
R is for :: rollocking; 2 of our sensible year 5 boys drew circles on computer monitors yesterday with magenets! They certainly had a rollocking ... 3 monitors royally #$*£ed! Ideas how to solve the problem anyone?
S is for :: Sleep; see T is for :: Tired could do with another 3 hours or so.
T is for :: Tired; but it's half term on Friday ... 2 more get-ups!
U is for :: underwear; I was in Tescos on Monday evening and there were a pair of knickers in the middle of the aisle. Someone didn't shake the trousers as they came out of the tumble dryer ... did they? I laughed and laughed and then laughed some more!
V is for :: vanity; people think that all these potions and creams and micro~dermabrasion and exfoliation and eyebrow waxing are going to make a difference? Is it too late for me to start?
W is for :: Whiteboards; only 5 more installations to go! Whoop! Btw Prydwen, they're Smartboards.
X is for :: eXceedingly good cakes; Leah an American friend of mine has just discovered Mr Kipling's French Fancies! She is SO hooked!
Y is for :: yellow; bedroom decoration starts tomorrow, well actually bedroom stripping first. Stop it, get your mind out of the gutter not that kind. No never mind! I think we might go yellow in the bedroom.
Z is for :: Zoo; Port Lympne have got a new baby rhino ~ made me "awww!" on the way to work yesterday!

Just for a minute, forget everything stressful and read this...............

Close your eyes and go back in time...

Before the Internet...

Before semi-automatics, joyriders and crack....

Before SEGA or Super Nintendo...

Way back........

I'm talking about Hide and Seek in the park.

The corner shop, hopscotch, butterscotch.

Skipping, handstands, football with an old can.

Fingerbob, the Beano, Dandy, Buster, Twinkle and Dennis the menace.

Roly Poly, Hula Hoops, jumping the stream, building dams.

The smell of the sun and fresh cut grass.

Bazooka Joe bubble gum.

An ice cream cone on a warm summer night from the van that plays a tune

Chocolate or vanilla or strawberry or maybe Neapolitan or perhaps a screwball.

Wait......

Tiswas or Swapshop? and 'Why Don't You'? - or staying up for Doctor Who.

When around the corner seemed far away and going into town seemed like going somewhere.

Earwigs, wasps, stinging nettles and bee stings.

Sticky fingers, marbles, ball bearings.

Cops and Robbers, Cowboys and Indians, and Zorro.

Climbing trees, building igloos out of snow banks.

Walking to school, no matter what the weather.

Running till you were out of breath, laughing so hard that your stomach hurt.

Jumping on the bed. Pillow fights.

Spinning around, getting dizzy and falling down was cause for giggles.

Being tired from playing....remember that?

The worst embarrassment was being picked last for a team.

Water balloons were the ultimate weapon.

Eating raw jelly. Orange squash ice pops.

Remember when...

There was one type of trainers ~ in Wales they were called "daps"- and the only time you wore them at school was for P.E.

You knew everyone in your street - and so did your parents.

It wasn't odd to have two or three "best" friends.

You didn't sleep a wink on Christmas eve.

When nobody owned a pure-bred dog.

When 25p was decent pocket money more than enough for Space Dust and Toffo's.

Top Trumps.

When you'd reach into a muddy gutter for a penny.

When nearly everyone's mum was at home when the kids got there.

When any parent could discipline any kid, or feed him or use him to carry groceries and nobody, not even the kid, thought a thing of it.

When being sent to the head's office was nothing compared to the fate that awaited a misbehaving student at home.

Basically, we were in fear for our lives but it wasn't because of drive-by shootings, drugs, gangs etc. parents and grandparents were a much bigger threat! and some of us are still afraid of them. Didn't that feel good?

Just to go back and say, Yeah, I remember that! Remember when....

"Race issue" meant arguing about who ran the fastest.

Money issues were handled by whoever was the banker in "Monopoly".

The worst thing you could catch from the opposite sex was germs.

And the worst thing in your day was having to sit next to one.

It was unbelievable that 'British Bulldog 123' wasn't an Olympic event.

Having a weapon in school, meant being caught with a catapult.

Nobody was prettier than Mum.

Scrapes and bruises were kissed and made better.

Taking drugs meant orange-flavoured chewable aspirin.

Ice cream was considered a basic food group.

Getting a foot of snow was a dream come true.

Older siblings were the worst tormentors, but also the fiercest protectors.

If you can remember most or all of these, then you have LIVED.

Unconscious mutterings #157

I say ... and you think ... ?

Taking sides :: arguement
Couples :: taking sides
Right of refusal :: a chance to say no!
Marla :: Marla Maples, wasn't she married to the Trump? Yes, she was!
Multiple :: personalities
Trinity :: Trinity College, they taught me to teach!
Sneeze :: bless you!
Sweatpants :: never in a million years.
Steve :: the utterly gorgeous Steve McQueen *sighs*
Fabulous :: Ab Fab

No need for Nytol!

We've been having interactive whiteboards fitted this week! Everywhere! As ICT co-ordinator, once I "sign" the cheque .... next Thursday I will be very, very extremely* poor!

I have been awake at night worrying about the install .... problem care-taker (think Miriam Karlin in The Rag Trade** with less hair and a B.O. problem), blackboards to be removed that may or may not have asbestos in them (can you imagine what he said when that was mentioned!), electrics, teachers who don't bring laptops into school, incompatible software ... blah, blah, blah! But this is not a moany post ... oh no, there's light at the end of the tunnel! Bill gates type light!

Last night at midnight I found something that helped me sleep like a baby .... no need for Nytol or Brandy anymore, PowerPoint is the answer! And as if by magic Doug had a cartoon ready for me!

*Our year 2 focus word this week is extremely!! Kidding, honest, but Steve is right I am such a teacher!
** Any one else out there old enough to remember this? MInd you, looking at the dates I realise that I saw the re-runs.

What you doing Blogger?

Like new, perkier, boobs type enhancements?

*sighs* and smiles!

You have no idea how much happiness a "one-day exclusion" can bring to a teacher and her class of little lovelies! We relaxed, we had fun, we wrote awesome poetry about sandwiches! He comes back on Monday!