Men and women ... the differences!

Sent to me as an email (I chuckled and chuckled) by the wonderful Keri ... how many ring true with you?

NICKNAMES
If Laura, Suzanne, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Suzanne, Kate and Sarah. Actually I play poker with "tart" and "slapper!"
If Mike, Charlie, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla, Sh*t-Head and Four-eyes.

EATING OUT
When the bill arrives, Mike, Charlie, Dave and John will each throw in £20, even though it's only for £32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and no-one will actually admit they want change back.
When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators. No need, I'm very good at mental maths but I only ever split the bill equally; can't cope with the "I didn't have a starter but I had a side of green beans" conversations!

MONEY
A man will pay £2 for a £1 item he needs.
A woman will pay £1 for a £2 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale. *blushes guiltily*

BATHROOMS
A man has six items in his bathroom :: toothbrush and toothpaste, shavingcream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel from M&S.
The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337.
A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.

ARGUMENTS
A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument. Isn't this an international law, honoured (and rigourously enforced) by the Geneva Convention?

CATS
Women love cats.
Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats. Some women kick cats too!

FUTURE
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband. No, never worried ... Simon was the worrier!
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

SUCCESS
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man. I am still looking ... the current "Mr Collins" knows this fact!

MARRIAGE
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does. I did?

DRESSING UP
A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the bins,answer the phone, read a book, and get the post.
A man will dress up for weddings and funerals. "Simon, they've written about you on the Internet!"

NATURAL
Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
Women somehow deteriorate during the night. This woman believes some of the men out there should belooking in a mirror more carefully!!

OFFSPRING
A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favourite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.
A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house. "Dad, they've written about you on the Internet!"

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
Any married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people remembering the same thing.

What a woman says :: C'mon ... This place is a mess. You and I need to clean. Your trousers are on the floor and you'll have no clothes if we don't do the laundry now.

What a man hears: C'MON ... blah, blah, blah YOU AND I blah, blah, blah,blah, blah ON THE FLOOR blah, blah, blah, NO CLOTHES blah, blah, blah, blah, NOW.

So come on; ladies / gentlemen ... comments please!

To work ...

... or not to work? Decisions, decisions ... backgammon it is then!

Fancy a game?

Unconscious mutterings #145

I say ... and you think ... ?

Mighty :: Mouse
Gotta find time to ... :: have my hair cut, it's supposed to be every 6 weeks ... which I don't think is really necessary. I last had my hair cut in July ... 16+ weeks is leaving it a little too long!!
Statistic :: Vital statistics ... let's not even bother asking ... let's just realise that even if I was skinny (as ms.mac says "it's the points baby!") I'd still be more "hour~glass Marilyn" than anything else!!

Midnight :: Cowboy, love the film, love the song, cry at the end etc.
Thaw :: melt
Hips :: Elvis
Reader :: me, pry the book out of my hand! Go on try!
Related :: family
Brilliant :: Little Britain ... I cry!
Posture :: Winnie the Pooh ~ I think I probably need to explain this a little later on!!

Wahey!! It's Saturday!

I'm off to Brighton to have lunch with my bestest friend in the whole wild world. Be good whilst I'm away ... don't let anything to exciting happen.

Isn't it fabulous having a "day off"? If today was a day off and the "world was your lobster*" ... what would you do, where would you go, with who? Mwahs! Back tomorrow!

* a phrase from the man himself!

Full house

Just hover over them to find out their "real" names!

Interesting facts ....

In the 1400's a law was set forth that a man was not allowed to beat his wife with a stick any thicker than his thumb. Hence we have "the rule of thumb".

Many years ago in Scotland, a new game was invented. It was ruled "Gentlemen Only...Ladies Forbidden"...and thus the word GOLF entered into the English language.

The first couple to be shown in bed together on prime time TV were Fred and Wilma Flintstone.

Every day more money is printed for Monopoly than the US Treasury.

Men can read smaller print than women can; women can hear better.

Coca-Cola was originally green.

It is impossible to lick your elbow.

The average number of people airborne over the US any given hour :: 61,000

Intelligent people have more zinc and copper in their hair.

The first novel ever written on a typewriter :: Tom Sawyer.

Each king in a deck of playing cards represents a great king from history:
Spades - King David
Hearts - Charlemagne
Clubs - Alexander, the Great
Diamonds - Julius Caesar

111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321

If a statue in the park of a person on a horse has both front legs in the air, the person died in battle. If the horse has one front leg in the air the person died as a result of wounds received in battle. If the horse has all four legs on the ground, the person died of natural causes.

Q. If you were to spell out numbers, how far would you have to go until you would find the letter "A"?
A. One thousand

Q. What do bulletproof vests, fire escapes, windshield wipers, and laser printers all have in common?
A. All invented by women.

Q. What is the only food that doesn't spoil?
A. Honey

In Shakespeare's time, mattresses were secured on bed frames by ropes. When you pulled on the ropes the mattress tightened, making the bed firmer to sleep on. Hence the phrase: "Goodnight, sleep tight."

It was the accepted practice in Babylon 4,000 years ago that for a month after the wedding, the bride's father would supply his son-in-law with all the mead he could drink. Mead is a honey beer and because their calendar was lunar based, this period was called the honey month, which we know today as the honeymoon.

In English pubs, ale was traditionally ordered by pints and quarts... So in old England, when customers got unruly, the bartender would yell at them "Mind your pints and quarts, and settle down." It's where we get the phrase "mind your P's and Q's"

Many years ago in England, pub frequenters had a whistle baked into the rim, or handle, of their ceramic cups. When they needed a refill, they used the whistle to get some service. "Wet your whistle" is the phrase inspired by this practice.

Don't delete this just because it looks weird. Believe it or not, you can read it..... I cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdgnieg. The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid aoccdrnig to rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit a porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Amzanig huh?

~~~~~~~~~~~AND FINALLY~~~~~~~~~~~~

At least 75% of people who read this will try to lick their elbow

Guess-the-google

Thanks to Chasing Daisy I am now addicted ... don't click this link unless you want to become a member of G-t-gA (Guess-the-google Anonymous) with me!!

*UPDATE* I mean it don't click that link it really is addicitive!!

Such a waste!

Is it me or is this fabulous! I know there are people out there who will not agree ... but ~ phooar!

Yesterday ...

... nothing really happened big enough to blog. Well, what I meant to say was nothing really big enough to blog about happenned. My grammar obviously didn't improve at anytime during the day, or my spelling for that matter. *Note to self make up mnemonic to remember how to spell happenned, or download that free Blogger for Word add-on!!* So here's my itty-bitty-chunky Tuesday

~~~~~

Went to the hospital for overdue (12th September) blood tests. You have to get a "cheese" ticket to have your blood tested in Medway ... you know the kind I mean ... like you get @ the deli counter so you get served in the right order. I had to have a fasting lipids test so hadn't eaten/drunk for 14 hours *starving* and arrived @ 9am, collected ticket number 68, with 37 people in front of me! The child in the far corner of the room who was eating a curly wurly still does not know how lucky he is/was!!

On entering the room for my blood test I felt like Grace in the Hospital Show ~ the woman taking blood looked to be about 12!! Oh my god! They trust her with needles? And why do they need 5 bottles? And why am I such a slow bleeder? And can't somebody get them to ask more interesting questions to take your mind off it when they change the bottles?

~~~~~

Off to the doctor's then ... good news is the blood pressure is down a little bit. She was surprised it wasn't down more after 2 months on diuretics. She said "have you had a stressful morning?" I didn't think I should get into it!!

~~~~~

Then I zoomed up the motorway (good job she wasn't taking my blood pressure after that!) and into school ... children were gratifyingly happy to see me. Told me how they had been so quiet that Mrs Wooding (it's alright to name her ~ she reads this) said "I've not been into such a quiet class for a long time! You should all have sticker for being well-mannered and beautifully behaved!" You can so tell that my little "darling" is off with chicken pox!

~~~~~

And then came dinner time ~ lunch-hall duty in the juniors ... oh joy! 3 fights later! 3 ... 3 lots of different children fighting ~ the injury list read ... 1 swollen nose, 1 soon to be black eye, 1 set of bruised knuckles, a thick lip, 1 set of bruised "privates" (I didn't offer any first aid!) and a ripped sweatshirt! For crying out loud ... *speaking directly to the KS2 boys at the school* Lads, cut the f#ck out of it!! I've had enough of writing reflection (lunchtime detention) forms and doing pissy little first aid jobs! Be bloody nice for once in your life! Roll on tomorrow when I get to do the whole joyous thing again!!

~~~~~

Drove home along the A2/M2 combo ... am I the only person worried that the Medway bridge has signs that say "Bridge damaged Speed limit reduced because of damaged bridge!" Where's the sign that says "Don't panic Jo, it's not so damaged that it'll collapse as you drive over it!" And what the hell damaged it anyway?

~~~~~

Why is Tesco full of idiots at 6.30 every night? Is it advertised somewhere ... Idiot? Come along to Tescos @ 6.30 tonight ... make lots of new friends!! Oh, right, of course ~ I'm there at 6.30 too ~ yes well, they'd be astute, intelligent, creative individuals then!

~~~~~

And finally home in time for delicious shepherd's pie; lovingly made by my fabulous husband ... who passed the driving test of his interview for the PO on Monday ~ HURRAH ~ but now has to have an eye test. For crying out loud ... this will be the fifth interview/test he's done ... he's only going to be a postman!! Anyway, I now have cramp from sitting with arms/legs/tongue crossed for the last 4 weeks ... it's not fair to him at all! So now it's very nearly Thursday ... my itty-bitty chunky Tuesday post took all day to write ... possibly not so itty-bitty?

A Friday joke à la Walker!

Sorry, can't wait until Friday ... made me laugh too much!

A woman calls her boss one morning and tells him that she is staying home because she is not feeling well.

"What's the matter?" he asks.

"I have a case of anal glaucoma," she says in a weak voice.

"Anal glaucoms" splutters her boss. "What the hell is anal glaucoma?"

"I can't see my arse coming into work today!"

~ I on the other hand am feeling fabulous ~ whoop! :o)

A beer and a ham sandwich please!

In response to Fizzy's comment on this post ... I had to admit that speaking other languages is all about me being in control. And being able to communicate ... I can't cope if I can't communicate :: verbally or not to other people ... in 40 years time I'll be that little old lady wandering around the supermarket talking to everyone ... enquiring what you think about the price of onions, chattering to babies in prams ... that'll be me! It'll be the rest of you too, because after all isn't that why we're here blogging? Because we love to communicate?

Anyways ... getting slightly off subject (no change there) ... the first phrase I tend to learn as an adult if I am going anywhere is "a beer and a ham sandwich please*" ... so come on, help me out ... add to my list :o)

French ~ une biere et un sandwich au jambon s'il vous plait

Welsh ~ un beint o gwrw a brechdan o gig moch os gwelwch yn dda

Spanish ~ una cerveza y un bocadillo de jamón por favor

Dutch ~ een bier en een ham te klemmen gelieve

German ~ ein Bier und ein Schinkensandwich bitte

Italian ~ una birra e un panino di prosciutto per favore

*It used to be a beer, a ham sandwich and 200 marlboros but I gave up about 5 years ago.

Blog trawling - #7 + 1

I enjoyed this so much last time, even though it was to get me out of a "I have nothing to post about fug" ~ can I beat 5 blogs, 3 countries?? So, starting with my #7 @ 7am on the 7th and adding on 1 (just to spice things up) each time ... here we go ~

#7 on my list :: Kiwifruit; Fuzz, Fresh Daily :: the wonderful Fi ... 35, Kiwi, student (English major), book fiend, part-time jogger, amateur photographerand dedicated drinker of reasonably priced wine ... there's always excitement and a great read Chez Fi! Currently there's fireworks, poor Miss 5.1's broken wrists, netball, interesting theories about jet-lag and a brilliant link to the 42Below Vodka site ~ superb music playing and an excellent Internet advert to see! [Country #1 ~ New Zealand]

Fi's #8 :: Chasing Daisy :: hurrah, "Daisy" is Welsh ... all the best people are don't you know!! I laughed and laughed over the deleted post about Turkish Delight, CS Lewis, google searches and curly wurlies and I didn't even read the post! She's looking for a perfect clafoutis recipe ... I have one for black cherry clafaoutis Daisy!! [Country #2 ~ UK @ least I'm assuming the UK]

Daisy's #9 :: Quick Story :: Em, from Trenton NJ; jogger and divorced mother of 3. Her first story ~ animal lover ~made me cry laughing ~ I have mental pictures of her and a heavily clothed policeman sprinting after a small white dog. Priceless! Unfortunately she has recently suffered a robbery when she lost some family jewellery - life can be such a complete and utter git at times! [Country #3 ~ USA]

Em's #10 :: Light from an empty fridge :: back to the UK, so no surprise that we read about political correctness gone "as mad as the maddest mad thing possible" (what are we like?) in the Daily Express and a truly Bah Humbug Bonfire night! [Country #2 ~ UK]

LFAEF's #11 :: Venusburg :: Dan on Italian food, cinema in Soho (get your mind out of the gutter), the people at Lego getting all uppity if we call them (ie the bricks) Legos and much much more! [Country #2 ~ UK]

Dan's #12 :: Toby Kay :: testing, testing, thanks and testing. And not another thing!

So, 6 blogs, still only 3 countries ... well unless I lie and say that I know for a fact that Toby Kay is currently testing his blog in Azerbaijan. Hang on; he is, that's him at the back of the photo behind the woman guy with the moustache during the voting at the last general election!!

Have a great Monday guys!